Falling into the grey.

Lately, I've been wanting something. I'm not going to say what it is, but I've been after it quite a good bit. But then I thought about something:

Does God want me to have this?

And it's one of those things that can be used for good or bad. It's not something mentioned in the Bible that we ought not do, and can really be a help to the Christian life if used properly. It's a gray (grey) area.

So I asked God to give me clarity on it. And prayed, and prayed. And a few days later, He answered me so loud that it cracked my spiritual glasses. Literally, it was crammed down my throat so hard that the blind man could have seen it.

But I still wanted it. And I still wanted it. I tried to twist God's will to fit my needs, but I always knew what God was telling me.

I got so sick of wanting it, but knowing it wasn't meant for me to have that I started to think about the whole want in the first place. My interview of myself went as such:

"Kyle, why do I want this?"

"Is it because Micah and Alex have it?

"Are you jealous that Chris Fies has one and you don't?"

"Or, do I want it for a more godly reason?"

"What happens if I don't want it?"

"What happens if I don't get it?"

The more I thought about it, the less I knew why I wanted it, which really maens I want it because everyone else has it. So what if that person has it and I don't? It won't hinder my walk with God. When I realized that it wouldn't hurt my communion with the Lord if I didn't get my way, it became much more facile to not want this thing.

So now I'm at a point where I know it's not going to hurt me to not have this thing. The only problem is that I'm a little bit uneasy about not wanting it because it's almost become a habit to want it. I'm at the crossroad where faith and sight split. And we live by faith, and not by sight.

--Pray for Spain. Pray that the Lord would raise up missionaries and native Spaniards to take the gospel to the millions of lost souls in Spain.--