Falling into the grey.

Lately, I've been wanting something. I'm not going to say what it is, but I've been after it quite a good bit. But then I thought about something:

Does God want me to have this?

And it's one of those things that can be used for good or bad. It's not something mentioned in the Bible that we ought not do, and can really be a help to the Christian life if used properly. It's a gray (grey) area.

So I asked God to give me clarity on it. And prayed, and prayed. And a few days later, He answered me so loud that it cracked my spiritual glasses. Literally, it was crammed down my throat so hard that the blind man could have seen it.

But I still wanted it. And I still wanted it. I tried to twist God's will to fit my needs, but I always knew what God was telling me.

I got so sick of wanting it, but knowing it wasn't meant for me to have that I started to think about the whole want in the first place. My interview of myself went as such:

"Kyle, why do I want this?"

"Is it because Micah and Alex have it?

"Are you jealous that Chris Fies has one and you don't?"

"Or, do I want it for a more godly reason?"

"What happens if I don't want it?"

"What happens if I don't get it?"

The more I thought about it, the less I knew why I wanted it, which really maens I want it because everyone else has it. So what if that person has it and I don't? It won't hinder my walk with God. When I realized that it wouldn't hurt my communion with the Lord if I didn't get my way, it became much more facile to not want this thing.

So now I'm at a point where I know it's not going to hurt me to not have this thing. The only problem is that I'm a little bit uneasy about not wanting it because it's almost become a habit to want it. I'm at the crossroad where faith and sight split. And we live by faith, and not by sight.

--Pray for Spain. Pray that the Lord would raise up missionaries and native Spaniards to take the gospel to the millions of lost souls in Spain.--

Proverbs 10-11 Psalms 5.

Twice we see that violence covers the mouth of the wicked. I see this as meaning that even if a wicked person wanted to speak words of peace, violence would still come out, and Psalms 5 tells us that the Lord abhors a bloody man.

One would do well to walk the path of peace and not of violence.

Proverbios 10-11 Salmos 5

Dos veces vemos que la violencia cubre la boca del impío. Veo esto como así: Si un impío quisiera hablar palabras de paz, todavía hablaría palabras de violencia, y Salmos 5 nos dice que dios aborrece al hombre de sangres.

Alguien haría bien para caminar el camino de paz, y no de violencia.

--Pray for Spain. Pray that the Lord would raise up missionaries and native Spaniards to take the gospel to the millions of lost souls in Spain.--

I fail at blogging.

This post is going to be terrible. It all sounds so good in my head, but once I start to type it out, I think it stinks, and erase it all. This is my fourth attempt at this post.

I sit in constant awareness that I am not doing enough for God, and in a state, as Matt Allen described it to me, of holy dissatisfaction.

Maybe I'm finally able to see that I'm really not the "good" Christian I pretend to be. Maybe I'm starting to see how much harder I could be working, or how little the sacrifices I make really are.

I cannot, on my life, explain what I want to say. I want to say that I'm not really anything, but not in a way that berates me, or kicks dirt in my eyes. I'm not beating myself up, nor do I long for sympathy and comments aimed to make me feel better.

I want to say that I'm at a point where I, if even for thirty seconds, saw myself for what I really am: nothing, save for the fact that God loves me, and His Son died for me. That's the only thing I have going for me.

Some people are hard worker, others are musically or artistically gifted. Some are blessed with looks, and others brains. Some have a combination of them.

I didn't really get any of those. But it's OK. Despite the fact that I'm just some guy who's way too tall, and talks too loud, who laughs a little too long, and doesn't know when to stop talking and start listening, and surely has little work ethic, God still loves me.

And I think, if I had to say what I want to say in one sentence, it would be this:

Knowing that God loves me more that words could ever describe, even though He knows me for who I am exactly, make me want to serve Him even more.

I think that's about as close as I'll be able to say it. I wish I could communicate my thoughts a little bit better. Well, a whole lot better.

--Pray for Spain. Pray that the Lord would raise up missionaries and native Spaniards to take the gospel to the millions of lost souls in Spain.--

Proverbs 7-9 & Psalms 3

There is, again a contrast in these chapters. On one hand, you have foolishness, death, and the harlot. On the other hand, you have life, wisdom, and a treasure worth more than fine gold.

Another thing that is rather prominent in chapter 7 is just a rehash of previous chapters. Don’t let people’s words flatter you, especially the harlot’s words.

We see that those who hate God love death. And that folly is unwise, and brings nothing good. On the other hand, wisdom, and fear of the Lord, and a hatred of sin are wise, and worth more than any treasure.

Proverbios 7-9 Salmos 3

Hay, de nuevo un contrasto en estos capítulos. Por un lado, hay tontería, la muerte, y la ramera. Por otro lado, hay vida, sabiduría, y un tesoro que se vale más que oro puro.

Otra cosa que tiene énfasis en capitulo 7 es un repaso de los capítulos pasados: No debo permitir las palabras de otras personas halagarme, sobretodo la ramera.

Vemos que los que odian a Dios aman la muerta. Y que la tontería no es de sabios, y no trae nada da valor. Por otro lado, sabiduría, un temor de Dios, y un odio de pecado, estas cosas son buenas, y se valen más que cualquier tesoro.

--Pray for Spain. Pray that the Lord would raise up missionaries and native Spaniards to take the gospel to the millions of lost souls in Spain.--

Proverbs 4-6 and Psalms 2

In Proverbs 4-6, there is a strong emphasis, throughout, on not being deceived by wicked women, and not being flattered into doing something I ought not do. Yesterday, the main emphasis was on taking Godly counsel and fleeing from ungodly counsel, which would include ungodly women, as I have read today.

Psalms 2 shows that God literally laughs at people who try to go against God, and that He will break them with a rod of iron. When I make plans, do they go with God, or against God?

Proverbios 4-6 Salmos 2

En capítulos 4-6, hay un gran énfasis, por todos capítulos, en no estar engañado por la mujer mala, y que no debo permitir que palabras suyas me hacen caer. Ayer, el énfasis fue en el consejo de Dios, y huyendo del consejo de los malos, incluyendo las mujeres malas, como he leído hoy.

Salmos 2 me muestra que Dios literalmente reirá a los que piensan contra de Él, y que los quebrantará con un vara de hierro. Cuando hago planes, se van con Dios, o contra de Dios?

--Pray for Spain. Pray that the Lord would raise up missionaries and native Spaniards to take the gospel to the millions of lost souls in Spain.--

Proverbs 2-3 & Psalms 1

In Proverbs 1-2, I learned about being a man, and that it’s not just a matter of hearing, and knowing the Bible, and what God wants me to do, but it’s also about actually applying it to my heart. In chapters 3-4 I find that the repeating theme is to continue doing these things.

Sure, it would be easy to follow God once and then that would be all that I had to do, but it isn’t. I have to follow Him day by day, week by week, year by year. It’s a daily renewing of the mind.

And in Psalms, I read about keeping apart from evil, and following good, Godly counsel. So not only do I need to follow God on a daily basis, but I need to also follow only God, and nothing else.

--Pray for Spain. Pray that the Lord would raise up missionaries and native Spaniards to take the gospel to the millions of lost souls in Spain.--

Finally.

This morning and last night, I read Proverbs 1 and 2. What the Lord told me, through those chapters, was that if I really want to be a man of God, and no longer a boy, that I needed to start applying His words to my heart.

Well, and I say all of the following things to the glory of God. I don’t want to come off in any way that I’m giving glory to myself, or trying to say that I did anything at all, because it was ALL God, and nothing I did.

In 7th grade, because of some things, I started to get angry and bitter towards my father. It just kept getting worse from there. I got to a point where I hated him, where I prayed that I would never see him again, that my mum would divorce him, or something. I just wanted him out of my life.

The longer I carried my bitterness and hatred, the worse it got. I got to a point where I was happy to see him suffer, and liked watching bad things happen to him.

I treated him like less than dirt. I didn’t respect him. I didn’t honor him like a son should honor a father, and I sure didn’t glorify God in the way I treated him. And I knew I should treat him better. God kept telling me to forgive him.

And the dislike, which I carried everywhere, really hindered me. It was impacting me a good bit.
But today, after 7 years of bitterness, and not forgiving my father, God did a mighty work in my life. It took me a while to allow God to work in my life, but I called my dad and forgave him. I told him I was wrong, and that I forgave him. And it wasn’t that hard. All I did was dial him on my mobile, and then talk.

It’s amazing how easy things are when they’re the things God wants us to do.
Maybe you don’t understand how big this really is, but if you grew up in my parent’s house, or in my old church, you might understand this, and I pray that through it the Lord would be lifted up and exalted.

It's taken a whole, too long. Years more that it should have, but I finally, and only because God worked in my heart, forgave my father. It's only because a group of men, whom I thank so much (KT, WAG, TH, WC, RT) for preaching the Bible, and letting God use them, that I am where I am now.

Thank you, Lord, for growing me, and helping me to slowly begin the path of being a man.

--Pray for Spain. Pray that the Lord would raise up missionaries and native Spaniards to take the gospel to the millions of lost souls in Spain.--