This post is going to be terrible. It all sounds so good in my head, but once I start to type it out, I think it stinks, and erase it all. This is my fourth attempt at this post.
I sit in constant awareness that I am not doing enough for God, and in a state, as Matt Allen described it to me, of holy dissatisfaction.
Maybe I'm finally able to see that I'm really not the "good" Christian I pretend to be. Maybe I'm starting to see how much harder I could be working, or how little the sacrifices I make really are.
I cannot, on my life, explain what I want to say. I want to say that I'm not really anything, but not in a way that berates me, or kicks dirt in my eyes. I'm not beating myself up, nor do I long for sympathy and comments aimed to make me feel better.
I want to say that I'm at a point where I, if even for thirty seconds, saw myself for what I really am: nothing, save for the fact that God loves me, and His Son died for me. That's the only thing I have going for me.
Some people are hard worker, others are musically or artistically gifted. Some are blessed with looks, and others brains. Some have a combination of them.
I didn't really get any of those. But it's OK. Despite the fact that I'm just some guy who's way too tall, and talks too loud, who laughs a little too long, and doesn't know when to stop talking and start listening, and surely has little work ethic, God still loves me.
And I think, if I had to say what I want to say in one sentence, it would be this:
Knowing that God loves me more that words could ever describe, even though He knows me for who I am exactly, make me want to serve Him even more.
I think that's about as close as I'll be able to say it. I wish I could communicate my thoughts a little bit better. Well, a whole lot better.
--Pray for Spain. Pray that the Lord would raise up missionaries and native Spaniards to take the gospel to the millions of lost souls in Spain.--
I think that entry actually came out very well.
ReplyDeleteAnd you're going to make yourself something. I know it.
Sometimes we need to stop where we are going to see where we have been and get direction as to where to continue the journey. You have had a great 3 months and God has blessed you mightily over those 3 months. Breathe a little bit. He will only change what needs changed when it needs changed. Not change everything at one time. Look at model prayer in Matthew. it says give us this day our daily bread... What you need for that day. Take life and his changes 1 day at a time you will be able to be not so stressful on yourself. it does not mean you dont look at yourself as he does it means you just see as he does 1 day at a time
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